Friday, August 9, 2013

What I Want You To Understand

I posted the following picture on Facebook and Instagram last night.

I posted the following caption with it:  I wish I could explain how it feels to look at these pictures. I'm sure I should feel proud, but I feel disgusted. I remember being that girl. I remember how I felt.... Miserable. Look at that stomach. That isn't normal. That's not how a woman is supposed to look. I am disappointed in myself that I did that to myself. I am also disgusted that I've come so far and I've been slacking. I hate it. And I hate what I've done. Turning around again. ‪#‎progress‬ ‪#‎motivation‬ ‪#‎fightingtheinnerfatgirl‬

My Instagram friends took this post for what it was worth, leaving comments such as "We all fall down and get back up" and "I understand how you feel,I've been slacking too". 

My Facebook friends, however, just kept telling me how I was beautiful before and now and that beauty is not defined by a size and not to be to hard on myself.

I felt like Facebook thought I was fishing for compliments or that I felt I was ugly.

This is not the case.

I was going through my Facebook last night deleting some "fat" pictures.  As I was going through my mobile uploads I saw that picture in the black.  I was flooded with emotion.  I remember how I felt that.  I was at the fair with a friend.  I was tired.  I had worked all day and then standing up at the Kip Moore concert, then walking around the fair, it was hard on someone that overweight.  I don't know what I weighed, I stayed off a scale, but I'm pretty sure I was my heaviest or on my way to it.  I do know that when the suggested to go on some rides, my stomach hurt.  I started telling them that I don't like to go on rides, that it made me sick.  That was so true.  I didn't want to go on the rides because I would be smashed in the ride, or they would turn me away because of my size and since I was with my extremely small friend I didn't want that embarrassing situation.  

I don't feel bad because I was "ugly".  I didn't feel miserable because I was "fat and ugly".

I was miserable because I was unhealthy.  I was miserable because I was tired.  I was miserable because I was carrying around a lot of extra weight. 

It's not about feeling pretty, it's about feeling healthy.  

The second picture was from this weekend.  This weekend I went to St. Louis with Katie (there will be a photodump later about my trip).  We walked up 11 flights of stairs, crawled around the city museum.  I was on my feet for 4 hours.  We also rode a Ferris Wheel.  This was the only time I can remember being in a Ferris Wheel and having room between my stomach and the bar.  I didn't have to suck in to the point where it hurt.  Then, we went to a concert, where I stood up and danced for two hours.  Then, the next day we walked all over the St. Louis Zoo.  Was a tired?  Yes.  Was I miserable?  No.  I was happy and enjoyed being active.

It has been a challenge.  I don't know how to explain my relationship with food to people that don't have the same feelings.  I want to be healthy and fit, but I also want a milkshake,  I want to eat pizza.  I want French fries.  I know I can't have it and it does make me upset.  

I am hoping that being back in the routine of school will help me get back on track.  I'm sure it will.

So please now that my picture and post was not about feeling pretty.  It was about feeling good about myself and feeling healthy.