Friday, May 22, 2015

Heartbreak, Healing and other H words.

Have you ever had the air knocked out of you?

I remember when I was in elementary school we had this jungle gym type of structure that was shaped like a school bus.  You could climb in through a hole to look like a door and crawl your way to the back and slide down a pole.  There were all sorts of beams and the more coordinated children would do flips off of the poles.  I was not one of the more coordinated children, but one day I decided I wanted to flip over the bar.  I sat on it, dangled upside down, and let go.  Instead of gracefully landing on my feet like everyone else, I landed flat on my back.  I had the breath knocked out of me.  Being a small child, this freaked me out.

Years later as a teenager, I decided to try to perform the same tasks off of a porch swing.  To the same result, I landed on my back finding it hard to breathe.

Today, I feel much of the same sensation.  The air is knocked out of me and it's hard to breathe. 

I guess it's sad that I'm dang near thirty and I'm just now experiencing heartbreak for the very first time.  I thought I had been in love before, apparently I was wrong.  Or maybe it gets worse with age.  Who knows?  All I know that this is something I have never felt before and quite honestly would never like to feel again.

I have cried my fair share over breakups, but this is a whole different animal.

I'm not sure how people cope, I'm apparently doing a crappy job at it.

I can't let go, I'm afraid that once I do, I will never be able to get him back.  I'm quite sure I never will anyway.

All and all, this sucks. 

How am I supposed to pretend like I'm ok with this?